Can I Get an Oink Oink...

Having spent much of the last 48 hours curled up in my bed sleeping, I'm now fairly wide awake and feeling distinctly more human, and so I decided it's about time to share some of my thoughts on my illness. Aches, chills, fever, shortness of breath... I finally went to the doctor today (after being turned away from my 8 hour Marine Corps Planning Process test), and received the joyful diagnosis of a "probable" case of H1N1. I must have looked stunned because the doctor quickly moved to reassure me that there have been a large number of cases in the NoVa area, and most have been mild, and characterized by the respiratory problems I was experiencing, but that Quantico Health Clinic isn't doing the testing to confirm cases unless hospitalization was required.
So, with my likely case of swine flu, I headed home for a mandatory 48 hour bed rest and feeling like I'd stepped into the media frenzy about the illness. Indeed, two different news stories about H1N1 filled the 30 minutes I spent waiting in the pharmacy for the variety of "comfort" medicines prescribed - but no anti-viral flu medicine, again, because I was not a severe case. I particularly identified with one of the stories, which spoke of people who had mild cases and afterwards felt a sense of relief at having been spared the possibility of a future severe case. Have the last few days been painful? Yes. Am I grateful that this likely eliminates the possibility of a hospitalization? A thousand times yes. However, once again, I'm reminded that I'm left with the "probable" which will not be enough to get me out of pondering whether to have the vaccination or not (or more accurately to wonder whether the military will decide that I need it.)
I'm sitting in my apartment, effectively on quarantine, and have been amazed by the large response to my status on Facebook. H1N1/Swine flu is a very hot topic. And I'm forced to see it from a different perspective right now. I've been fairly dismissive of the media coverage of it, because I have seen it as a vastly overblown response. However, the immediacy of my situation did give me pause to reconsider. Not out of concern for myself, but out of concern for those I've come into contact with in the past few days. Fortuitously, we had most of Monday and Tuesday off in order to study for our test, so my exposure to others has been minimal. However, I went into class today, prepared to spend 8 hours crammed in a room with all the other EWS students and faculty. Our culture, and especially the military culture, regards illness as a weakness to be overcome. We are expected to soldier through illness and not allow it to affect our productivity. This new strain of flu is causing us to question that. Indeed, the EWS director's guidance is to send anyone home if they have flu symptoms.
I felt like I was weak when my instructor told me to leave and I could take the test a different day, but the doctor made me realize that it wouldn't have been in my best interest, or the best interest of everyone else, for me to stay. What a completely different response than what I'm used to. I can remember chasing attendance awards for school, and striving not to take any sick days while a cadet. I don't know what the answer is, but I do think this latest health concern is an opportunity for us to look at our perception towards sickness. It looks a lot different when you consider the big picture.
So, if you're starting to feel sick, and you have sick days available to take, I'd just ask everyone to consider why you have those days. Will you lose a day or two of work? Probably, but think how many days will be lost if you make 1 or 2 other people sick...
Okay, time to stop the medicated ramblings and get back to bed. I'm sick, after all. Sleep and hydration are #1 and #2 on my list of things to do.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

It's 0130 here in Batavia, and I'm wide wide awake. The frustrating part is that I'm supposed to be checking in to Quantico sometime in the next 24-48 hours, and I'm still not 100% sure what I'm doing. I planned on having time to think through all of my questions and send them to someone who could help answer them, but early Sunday morning the day prior to when I'm to report clearly isn't the way to go about things. Somehow the last month has gone by much much faster than I expected. Of course, with travels spanning Alaska, Texas and California in the past 3 weeks, I suppose I can't be too surprised to find that my leave is rapidly coming to an end. I guess at this point there isn't much for me to do but muddle through, and figure it's all going to come out okay in the end. I just need to remember to breathe and avoid stressing in the muddled meantime.

Homeless Once Again - But It's a Good Thing!

Officially moved out of my apartment today. And so once again, for what I think amounts to the 9th time in the past five years, I find myself in between "homes." It has very much reinforced the notion that home is where I hang my hat, because I sure don't get to spend enough time in one place to get attached.
I'm pretty excited about heading away from Drum and trying something different. I'm hoping that I enjoy the Army side of things a bit better at my next duty assignment, because there's just some part of me that hasn't embraced the idea of moving on to civilian life even after all the personal disappointments and limited professional opportunities that I had at Ft. Drum. So I'm either meeting the definition of crazy (trying the same thing multiple times and expecting different results), or maybe I'll find someplace I'm a bit more fulfilled.
Moving out of this apartment was much easier, maybe it's because I know that my stuff will only be in storage for about a month and a half versus 14 months, and maybe it's because I'm learning that moving is a wonderful opportunity to shed some of the dead weight that tends to accumulate because I'm a pack rat by nature. Going through my closet to decide what is getting packed and what is coming with me for the interim time period is a a very good reality check. Despite having done the same thing last move, I still found that I had clothes in there that I know I haven't worn in years. Ok, granted over a year of that was time in Iraq when I couldn't wear them, but any winter clothes that didn't make it on my body during the long Ft. Drum winter are clearly not going to be put back into rotation anytime soon. It then becomes a very good excuse to do some shopping! I don't want to end up like one of the ladies who appears on what not to wear, who keep reaching for the old familiar stuff that has been lingering in their wardrobes for decades.
This move is strange because the last two have been for deployments, and I knew that Ft. Drum was going to be there for me at the end of it. This time its someplace new, and a whole new area to learn. I'm excited by the possibilities.

My Drum Days are Numbered

Made a lot of progress this week on getting out of Fort Drum and getting ready to head to Quantico. It's a relief because I couldn't make any progress until they finally cut me orders, and I know there is a lot planned between now and June, and I didn't want to get caught up in a timeline that wasn't going to work. Well, Tuesday I officially got orders...
Since then, I've been able to sign the notification to vacate my lease, get my leave form approved, make an appointment to turn in some of the useless gear that I have, make an appointment to get my household goods picked up, filled out the paperwork to get credit for moving some of my gear in my own car, cleaned half of the gear for turn in, verified that I actually had everything that I was signed for, made an appointment for the required professional carpet cleaning for my apartment, made a reservation for the two nights before I leave at the hotel on post, and received approval to sign for my installation clearing papers in a few weeks. Wow! I guess it is possible to get this stuff knocked out quickly, but I am glad that things are finally rolling.
So, June 17th will be my final day at Ft. Drum. It's weird, I've packed up and left Ft. Drum twice before with the two deployments, but I always knew I had to come back and face another winter. So glad that isn't the case this time. July 13th I should be out in the Quantico area and begin the process of finding someplace to live and establishing myself in yet another apartment. It's funny, but the thrill of having your own place kind of starts to wear off when you go through the apartment hunt process 4 times in as many years.

Time to Be a Running Fool

Hopefully I haven't bitten off more than I can chew, or run... Knowing that I'm going to be at Quantico this fall, I signed up for the Marine Corps Marathon, and will sign up for the Army 10-miler when registration begins for that next week. They're both things that have been on my "Gee, it'd be great to do that someday" list and I figured this was as good an opportunity as any to accomplish them both. So I've now got about 5 months to get myself into marathon shape, yikes!
I'm running the marathon in honor of SSG Linde, SGT Stenroos and PFC Muller. It's fitting that it starts in Arlington, and will be just under 2 weeks shy of the 2 year anniversary of their deaths. I realize it's a purely symbolic gesture, but I know I will draw inspiration from them, and it gives me the chance to tell others about them if I'm asked why I'm running. It is simply my small part to keep their memory alive.

Hoorah for the Captain's Course

It's funny, I remember thinking when I was debating on attending West Point that one of the things about the military that was going to make things easy for me was that there was a relatively standard path for the future. I was supposed to know what and where I was doing for the next 9 years (4 at West Point and 5 in the Army). Of course, that hasn't exactly proven accurate.
I only did 3.5 years at West Point, and the other half year at the Naval Academy. That experience taught me to appreciate differences, cherish some of the "Army-isms" I had taken for granted, and realize that Squids are people too. This was only slightly off the beaten path, but I know I'm different for that semester - I met new people and had new experiences, but I also missed out on memories with my classmates. It was hard at first hearing stories about fun times I had missed, but I learned a bit about not second-guessing and realizing that every decision has good and not-as-good consequences, and I would be much happier focusing on the good rather than always wondering "what if."
Graduation and commissioning brought with it a one-year hiatus as a quasi-civilian at Cambridge. While my friends all headed off to their Basic Courses with people they knew and clear expectations in place, I traded in my uniform for my slightly-outdated civilian wardrobe and jumped across the pond for a short program of study. I felt out of my depth at times because of how specialized everyone was, but gained new confidence in the breadth of material that I had a familiar grasp on. Most American students in my college quickly adapted to the role as moderator of discussions across disciplines, because we knew enough about a lot of things and could serve as bridges for the people who knew a lot about a smaller focus. We all learned to accept that our educations were different, but neither really seemed to have the upper hand, and with everyone contributing, we all gained new insights into our fields and ourselves.
When I headed back to the Army, and my OBC, I didn't really know anyone in my course. I could see and appreciate the bonds that the '05 West Pointers in my class had, and realized how much our common shared experience made it easier to understand each other. We weren't classmates, but we had all been through Beast, Buckner and the Thayer method. But with being a different year group, I witnessed some of what the other officers in our class resented about the West Point "club." No one intentionally excluded others, but it's always easier to cling to those you know and share common ground with. It simply took time and some conscious effort to establish new common ground that was a lot more "common" to everyone.
Each of these unique experiences, and the new perspectives I gained from them, contributed to a decision I made two weeks ago to pursue attending the Marine Corps Expeditionary Warfare School in lieu of the MP Captain's Career Course. Of course 9 months in the DC area is also a lot more exciting to look forward to than 5 months in Missouri to me. If the other "off the beaten path" experiences I've had in the past 5 years have taught me anything, it is to know that I'm going to be learning a lot, not just about what the Marines have to teach me, but about how I react to the new and unfamiliar. So I'm not dwelling on what I'll miss out by not attending the MP school (meeting other MPs, Army specific training, and staying in the comfort zone of what I already know), but looking forward to once again being a bit on the outside of things looking in. And at least with going to the Naval Academy as a cadet, I've already lived being the odd (wo)man out with uniforms and such. Time to embrace the Hoorah.

A Very Special Party

Tuesday afternoon was truly memorable. The parents of one of the Soldiers from my former platoon who was killed in the IED on 5 November 2007, held a party for the MP platoon, and the father of one of the other Soldiers also came.I was nervous about them coming because I wasn't sure about how things would go. It turned out to be one of the most meaningful afternoons I have ever had.
It is hard to celebrate being home when you don't bring everyone home with you. Guilt is something I've struggled with a lot in the past year and a half. I've second guessed every decision I made that I thought contributed to those Soldiers being there on that day at that time. My mind has raced a million times through the possibility that I could have somehow prevented it. Even to this day, there are nights I wake up reliving the moment I found out about the accident. Because of the guilt I felt, I was worried that they would also blame me in the way that I blamed myself.
Instead, it felt like spending time with long lost family. It was an opportunity to share all the stories and memories that all of us had of the ones we lost. I felt closer to having them back than I ever have. We smiled, we laughed, we shed tears, but most of all we celebrated their lives rather than focusing on mourning their loss. I can't even begin to put into words how wonderful the afternoon was. It opened some of the emotional scars that I've carried with me since last November, but in a good way, and one that let me heal.
There are few opportunities in life when we get to feel the direct healing impact of grace in our lives. I know that happened to me on Tuesday.

So Tired of Cold

Temperatures really are crazy things. Last summer I felt like I was going to melt anytime I stepped outside into the 120 degree temperatures, and I dreamed of snow. This morning, driving to work at -14 degrees, I thought longingly of the desert sun. Obviously too much of anything isn't a good thing. Let me describe the cold here in terms that are more understandable: 1)the bottom of the door panel on my car cracked and has a hole in it from freezing, 2)the carpet mat is frozen in my car from the snow that melts when the heat finally kicks in, and 3)if I close my eyes for more than a few seconds, they can freeze shut. It's downright painful.

And when it warms up to reasonable temperatures (anything on the plus side of zero), we have a ridiculous amount of snow. Parking lots are covered with mini-glaciers, and able to accomodate about half their usual capacity because there is just nowhere to put the snow. In front of my apartment, my neighbor parks in what is usually my space because hers is a mini-mountain of snow. We had snow for 7 days straight and it was to the point that I wanted to cry when I saw the first flake of the day, because I knew that it would mean anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour plus of shoveling after I returned home.

It's Been So Long

Wow, I haven't updated this thing in ages. Actually it feels like a lifetime ago, because so much has happened since I posted from Kuwait.
I've fallen in love for the first time, and realized that sometimes love isn't enough to guarantee happiness. I've experienced the pits of despair after losing 3 of my former Soldiers. I've realized the amazing gift of friendships that blossom in unexpected places, and how special it is to have true friends that stand by you through distance and time, when you can fall into comfortable companionship despite the years that separate your last visits.
And in short, I'm now 2 months back in the US, and I feel that I'm a very different person than I left. I don't quite know how to explain all of it. I'll try to start writing here more often, and reflecting on where I'm at and what I'm learning. Writing is cathartic, and perhaps that's what I need more than anything to learn who this new version of me is.