You know, I've always thought that I've been being fairly grown-up about preparing for the deployment to Afghanistan and knowing that it is my duty and yada yada yada, blah blah blah. However, tonight it really kind of hit home that while I've been sort of professing to worrying about how my deploying is affecting others rather than myself, I think I've been acting my age and whatnot, in otherwords, acting like the young, single, soldiers that we keep hearing warnings about as officers that we'll have to watch out for.
I've been probably more stressed about this than what I would like to admit. It's much easier to hide behind a facade of calm, cool, acceptance than to admit to fear or worry or apprehension, or any of the other myriad emotions that one would expect to be going through in the situation I find myself. I've been talking about deploying in the abstract for over a year now I think... whether it was desirable or not for a career, whether it would be the right thing for me, but I never quite fathomed the emotional impact that will face the people I love and care about. Sure, it's great for me to be able to call and talk about my worries and hear reassurances of how much I am loved, and how people will be keeping me in their prayers and all of that. But I have been selfish, I am the one with the resources and support that the military is offering here, but that's not the same resources that my family has access to.
I wish there were some way to lessen the impact this has on others. Just because I have volunteered to serve in the military, it seems somehow unfair that this burden isn't shouldered just by the volunteers like myself, but by the families and loved ones who support us without having volunteered for this duty.
Don't get me wrong, I love being an American, I love my country, I am proud to wear the uniform I wear, and serve. I just wish that any hurt and pain with the demands placed on me were not shared. It's not realistic. It's not human to expect that the emotional weight will not be shared across the bonds of family. But you know, part of the reason I believe I wanted to join the Army is to protect the country and people that I love, and instead, it exposes the ones I hold dearest to me to more hurt than they probably otherwise would have.
I love the poem that says something along the lines "It is the soldier, not the protester who has given us freedom of speech.... etc", but perhaps that is more accurately reflected by saying that it is not only the soldier, but their family as well.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Feeling Short
I accomplished something positive today, my tuff-box/footlocker is completely packed. Or at least, it's as packed as it's going to be because I have to take it in tomorrow and I won't see it until some time after I arrive in Afghanistan.
I'm getting used to putting things away and not seeing them for awhile, after all, the majority of my belongings that I took to England were packed away at the end of June, and I won't see them again until after I get back from the deployment. By that point in time, all of the clothes that I had in there are sure to be out of style, so I'll probably end up garage sale-ing the whole lot. Or just donating it to the salvation army or something.
If I haven't mentioned it before, I really really really hate packing. Ok, maybe hate isn't the right word, I abhor it, and yet, here I am doing it again. I'm waiting for life to settle in enough that I don't feel like I'm constantly in a transitory state. At this point, it's beginning to look as though that might not happen until I'm out of the military. I think that the upcoming year is going to do a lot in terms of deciding how long I'm going to stay in, whether I'll serve past my initial committment or not. I hope that it goes well, but at least I'm seeing how things are going to be fairly soon, and I should be able to go into the decision making process with my eyes wide open when 2010 gets closer. That sounds so far away, but if the last six years of my life are anything to judge by, I'll be making that decision sooner than I'll probably be ready to.
Right now, I'm focusing on getting everything ready to move out of my temporary first real apartment, and put things in storage or on the plane to Afghanistan. But it's all the side issues that have me wrapped up and take the majority of my time - figuring out what to do with my car, my cell phone, trying to put everything into a neat and orderly place. Except that I'm really not a neat and orderly person at heart, so maybe the messiness of all this uncertainty is really just what the doctor ordered so to speak. We'll see. That's the catch phrase of my life. We'll see. Things are about to really start rolling, and I'm ready to see them started and find out how the next phase goes.
Even if that possibly includes teaching college courses during the deployment. Apparently that's a possibility, I've been approached about fitting that into my schedule next year. How wild would that be, trying to teach basic algebra or whatnot to deployed soldiers? Guess I'll find out how I feel about teaching maybe. Again, we'll see.
Now, I'm feeling short (and not height wise). Time is moving and pretty soon I'll be deployed. Guess the rubber's about to hit the road.
I'm getting used to putting things away and not seeing them for awhile, after all, the majority of my belongings that I took to England were packed away at the end of June, and I won't see them again until after I get back from the deployment. By that point in time, all of the clothes that I had in there are sure to be out of style, so I'll probably end up garage sale-ing the whole lot. Or just donating it to the salvation army or something.
If I haven't mentioned it before, I really really really hate packing. Ok, maybe hate isn't the right word, I abhor it, and yet, here I am doing it again. I'm waiting for life to settle in enough that I don't feel like I'm constantly in a transitory state. At this point, it's beginning to look as though that might not happen until I'm out of the military. I think that the upcoming year is going to do a lot in terms of deciding how long I'm going to stay in, whether I'll serve past my initial committment or not. I hope that it goes well, but at least I'm seeing how things are going to be fairly soon, and I should be able to go into the decision making process with my eyes wide open when 2010 gets closer. That sounds so far away, but if the last six years of my life are anything to judge by, I'll be making that decision sooner than I'll probably be ready to.
Right now, I'm focusing on getting everything ready to move out of my temporary first real apartment, and put things in storage or on the plane to Afghanistan. But it's all the side issues that have me wrapped up and take the majority of my time - figuring out what to do with my car, my cell phone, trying to put everything into a neat and orderly place. Except that I'm really not a neat and orderly person at heart, so maybe the messiness of all this uncertainty is really just what the doctor ordered so to speak. We'll see. That's the catch phrase of my life. We'll see. Things are about to really start rolling, and I'm ready to see them started and find out how the next phase goes.
Even if that possibly includes teaching college courses during the deployment. Apparently that's a possibility, I've been approached about fitting that into my schedule next year. How wild would that be, trying to teach basic algebra or whatnot to deployed soldiers? Guess I'll find out how I feel about teaching maybe. Again, we'll see.
Now, I'm feeling short (and not height wise). Time is moving and pretty soon I'll be deployed. Guess the rubber's about to hit the road.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Playing Soldier
Well, today marked one more step in the pre-deployment process that is complete... weapons qualification. The very thought of qualification is usually enough to send shivers of foreboding up my spine, because I've never managed very well with the M16. So as I lay in bed last night, unable to sleep because of the house shaking (literally) in the 30 mph winds that buffeted the area, I was dreading spending a day in the freezing cold at the range today.
In a nutshell, I was quite right about the freezing coldness. It was miserably cold, even with 2 layers of long underwear and my gortex. The poor shooting however, was replaced today with what was, for me, quite a spectacular showing. I zeroed in 4 attempts after beginning with a miserable mechanical zero, and shot 36 out of 40 for my qualification, which means that for the first time in my life, I shot something besides marksman.
In a nutshell, I was quite right about the freezing coldness. It was miserably cold, even with 2 layers of long underwear and my gortex. The poor shooting however, was replaced today with what was, for me, quite a spectacular showing. I zeroed in 4 attempts after beginning with a miserable mechanical zero, and shot 36 out of 40 for my qualification, which means that for the first time in my life, I shot something besides marksman.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Settling In
I don't know how long it's going to take until Ft. Drum feels like home, but I am starting to feel settled finally. It's been frustrating, because I feel like my credit card is constantly out of my wallet as I think of things that I need to make my month stay here more comfortable, but I suppose that at least everything that I'm getting will be useful to me once I get back from Afghanistan next year. At least I've been able to forego clothing purchases so far, aside from the new winter jacket I got at Thanksgiving, but that was really a necessity considering the climate this far north.
I feel like January is just a holding pattern of sorts. There's really nothing that I can do this month to get myself permanently settled in, because at the end of the month I'm just going to have to pack it all up and put it in storage. But at the same time, a month is a decently long time, so I want to feel settled in enough that it's not adding stress. It's a fine line to walk, but thank goodness I have my roommate. If I were trying to get used to living here by myself, I don't think I'd be too happy right now, but she's definitely helping to keep me sane. We kind of came to the realization yesterday that friends are the biggest way to settle in with the crazy life that we lead in the military.
So while I can't guarantee that I'll actually have reached the point where Ft. Drum will feel like "home" before I leave, at least I don't feel completely cut adrift right now. It's starting to feel familiar.
I feel like January is just a holding pattern of sorts. There's really nothing that I can do this month to get myself permanently settled in, because at the end of the month I'm just going to have to pack it all up and put it in storage. But at the same time, a month is a decently long time, so I want to feel settled in enough that it's not adding stress. It's a fine line to walk, but thank goodness I have my roommate. If I were trying to get used to living here by myself, I don't think I'd be too happy right now, but she's definitely helping to keep me sane. We kind of came to the realization yesterday that friends are the biggest way to settle in with the crazy life that we lead in the military.
So while I can't guarantee that I'll actually have reached the point where Ft. Drum will feel like "home" before I leave, at least I don't feel completely cut adrift right now. It's starting to feel familiar.
Monday, January 02, 2006
2006 - Off and Rolling
2006. Eek. I'm still not sure where 2005 went, it seems like it was only a few weeks ago that I was heading into London to watch the fireworks for 2005. Far from being in the capital of a foreign country, I spent New Years at home this year, in all the excitement that good old Batavia has to offer. Which is to say, not a whole heck of a lot. But I guess that considering where I'll likely be for the next one, might not be as bad as it sounds.
I flew back to New York last night, and the trip was bad pretty much from the start. Let's see, the restaurant we wanted to go to was closed. I had to sit for almost 40 minutes on the runway while they were delayed in loading our luggage because there was an accident on the tarmac with the luggage vehicle. They couldn't find my leave form when I tried to sign in. I had to drive 65 miles through fog that had a visibility of about 3 feet in front of me. But all of that I would have been willing to overlook as minor snafu's that come with travelling. The kicker was sleeping in my car in the freezing cold because the land lady for my apartment had the locks repaired last week while I was home on leave and the key that I had wouldn't work, and it was 2 in the morning by the time I got there after all the aforementioned delays, so she was dead to the world and didn't wake up to my ringing the door bell and pounding on the door. So I spent my first full night of 2006 curled into the fetal position on my driver's seat, with my coat over me and had to turn on the engine every hour or so to warm up the car when I'd wake up absolutely freezing. I was not a happy person. In fact, I was pretty much the opposite of happy. I think I was cursing Ft. Drum, the Army, my land lady, myself, the airline, the weather, etc, until I fell asleep.
Well, enough complaining, I survived the night, didn't get any frostbite, and even managed to get a small amount of sleep, so I suppose I am no worse for the wear. It's a lot easier to say that now than it was last night at 2:30 though.
I certainly hope that the first 24 hours of 2006 was not indicative of what type of year it is going to be, or I'm in trouble. On the brught side, I may very well have used up all of my bad luck in the first day of the year, and then I'll have nothing but good luck for the remainder. I'm trying to be optimistic and put my money on the second option.
I flew back to New York last night, and the trip was bad pretty much from the start. Let's see, the restaurant we wanted to go to was closed. I had to sit for almost 40 minutes on the runway while they were delayed in loading our luggage because there was an accident on the tarmac with the luggage vehicle. They couldn't find my leave form when I tried to sign in. I had to drive 65 miles through fog that had a visibility of about 3 feet in front of me. But all of that I would have been willing to overlook as minor snafu's that come with travelling. The kicker was sleeping in my car in the freezing cold because the land lady for my apartment had the locks repaired last week while I was home on leave and the key that I had wouldn't work, and it was 2 in the morning by the time I got there after all the aforementioned delays, so she was dead to the world and didn't wake up to my ringing the door bell and pounding on the door. So I spent my first full night of 2006 curled into the fetal position on my driver's seat, with my coat over me and had to turn on the engine every hour or so to warm up the car when I'd wake up absolutely freezing. I was not a happy person. In fact, I was pretty much the opposite of happy. I think I was cursing Ft. Drum, the Army, my land lady, myself, the airline, the weather, etc, until I fell asleep.
Well, enough complaining, I survived the night, didn't get any frostbite, and even managed to get a small amount of sleep, so I suppose I am no worse for the wear. It's a lot easier to say that now than it was last night at 2:30 though.
I certainly hope that the first 24 hours of 2006 was not indicative of what type of year it is going to be, or I'm in trouble. On the brught side, I may very well have used up all of my bad luck in the first day of the year, and then I'll have nothing but good luck for the remainder. I'm trying to be optimistic and put my money on the second option.
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