I Dream of .... Sandhurst???

I must say, it seems awfully strange talking to people back at West Point who will be participating in Sandhurst this weekend. Even more so than at other points this year, it is really hitting home to me that things are different and that all of being a cadet is behind me. I almost got nostalgic, and semi-missed it, but then my neck twinged as I turned to quick to look back at my computer, and then the common sense kicked in that I was probably (physically at least) a lot happier not to be putting myself through it once again. In some ways, thinking of this being Sandhurst weekend put me through remembering so many memories from the past four years, some great (winning the Regiment as a yuk), some not so great (making a 1 point landing on my head last year), and some that just don't bear thinking about too much.
I haven't thought of some of these memories and some of these people at all in a long time, but I had a dream last night that seemed to have been brought on by reading about the changes to the Sandhurst course for this year. It was an insane combination of all the people that I was on Sandhurst teams with over the course of 4 years, and it seemed that the course had sprouted Ranger Walls everywhere. For anyone who doesn't know, I was dropped on my head going over the Ranger Wall in a practice run through last year, and I think I'm still scared off it. Anyways, in my dream I was doing Sandhurst again, and there were Ranger Walls all over the place, so we had to get this massive group of people over the wall.... and I kept getting dropped. (I actually woke up literally in tears from this dream, errr, nightmare.) It was like Survivor Sandhurst or something, whoever was responsible for dropping me got kicked off the team and the rest of us kept going. I just kept going after each of these falls because there was always someone there to catch me. I woke up in the middle of this, because one of the times over, I got dropped, and the person who was supposed to catch me stepped out of the way and just watched me fall. I don't know if it's the same with everyone, but for me, if I fall in a dream, I wake up with a start just as I think I'm about to hit the ground. It's like my body won't let me dream the impact.
Anyway, as I abruptly woke up in tears, all that stuck with me was the face of the person looking down at me at the end as they let me fall and the person stepping out of the way as they let me hit the ground. Now I'm not a big believer in dreams meaning anything more than just the random ramblings of your brain as you sleep, but it's a bit creepy thinking about how someone would psycho analyze it. The conclusion I came to though is that you've got to know the people who will let you fall, and those who will keep you safe. Or at least that's what I think it would mean if it actually meant something. It was probably just repressed memories of the instant my life flashed before my life last year. I was lucky enough to escape without serious injury, and though my neck still aches on occasion (I can function as a weather predicter), and I get more headaches more frequently than I did before, I realized that I did pretty well walking away with nothing more than a few residual aches and pains that only bother me for awhile and then go away. So maybe life's just like that, there are things that seem catastrophic or huge events at the time, but then later you realize that though they will undoubtedly cross your mind on the odd occasion in the future, as long as you walk away in one piece, you'll move on.
So today, as I think of all the cadets slogging away on the Sandhurst course, I'm glad I'm not out there. And I'm glad that I survived everything West Point and the past 4 years threw at me. I won't claim that everything turned out the way I wanted it to, but perhaps I'm realizing now that things worked out for the best. I know I've questioned some things, but even if I could go back and change some things, I probably wouldn't, because I like the me I am today, and if I changed even just one tiny thing, I probably wouldn't be that same person. I may have occasional doubts about having taken the year here to come to Cambridge, but realistically, when would I ever have had the opportunity to do that again? And I think because of this I'll be much more positive going into OBC and my first duty assignment because I realize that at least at this point in my life, the military suits my personality. The sense of structure and purpose is more important than I realized. So if I end up staying in for a career (I haven't made up my mind), I think I may owe more of that decision to the things I've learned about myself in the past year away from the military more than anything that I learned while at West Point. It's a bit backwards as far as logic goes, but it makes perfect sense to me. And I know that I've got to be strong enough to know that I'll land on my own two feet, because I can't count on others not to let me fall. Because, I realized, with the clarity of remembering a dream that only comes when you've been abruptly woken up in the middle of it, that the person who had been catching me the whole time was myself. (Of course that means I was also the person who didn't catch me at the very end.)
Yep, it could only happen in a dream, but apparently I'm a strong enough person to be there for myself, or at least I was all but the last time. So no matter who dropped me, and I can remember that from my dream too, I had to rely on myself to keep catching myself. I only got hurt when I depended too much on the other person not to drop me. And just maybe someday I'll find the person who won't drop me, and then I won't have to worry about not being there to catch myself all the time.
Who'd've thought that a Sandhurst dream could make me this introspective?? A bit strange I'm sure, but so am I ;-) So good luck to everyone running the course, but I wouldn't want to be in your shoes (boots). I've done my time.

The View Out My Back Window... and a Look at What's to Come

The truth is that going home last week was probably one of the more impetuous decisions that I've made in awhile (booked the flight Friday for leaving on Tuesday), but I'm really glad that I went. Not only was I able to finish both of my term papers that were due on the 26th, but I also got to spend time with my family, pick up my Class A's for the interviews I'll be conducting in Germany next week, get some books and field manuals that I needed, and enjoy some retail therapy without paying twice as much for everything! :-) There's just something therapeutic about being able to see what all the possibiliteis for spending money are. Not that I bought that much, just two pairs of flip-flops, 3 pairs of sandals (two are for wearing to a couple of the May Balls in June), a pair of cropped jeans, some pink capri pants, and a dress for aforementioned May Ball. I think it was also a treat simply to be able to ride in a car and go somewhere without having to rely on my feet or bike to get me there. Yes, perhaps I'm lazy, but I can live with the realization that I love so many of the things that we take for granted in our American consumer society. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot about England that I'm going to miss when I leave, but I'm not ready to pack up and declare permanent residency by any stretch of the imagination. The picture above definitely represents one of the improvements over last year... now I get to look at a bunch of flowers on the trees in the back yard rather than the expanses of pavement in the middle of North or Central Area.
Next week I go to Germany to conduct interviews with units that spent time in Iraq as part of my dissertation. Unfortunately, the short amoutn of time until my dissertation is due (June 6th) means that I won't be able to spend a weekend playing tourist, it'll strictly be business and get the interviews done and get back, but it's still a trip to Germany! It's hard to believe that it's been almost 11 months now since graduation, it certainly doesn't feel like I've been done almost a year in some respects, but at other times I find it hard to remember being there. I suppose some of that is compounded by having gone straight to another academic experience, but it's still a strange sensation. I feel like a firstie again though since I'm still waiting to find out where I'm going and facing the uncertainty of what life is going to be like in the "real Army." I've been thinking about that a lot since I'm still waiting to hear about my post assignment. Seriously, there is something wrong with not knowing this information by now I think, but as long as I find out in time enough to get my orders and get everything shipped before I leave, then it should all work out. I just really, really, really want to know where I'll be living next year. It'll make the future seem so much more concrete and established to have some firm plans.

Big Ben and part of the Houses of Parliament

Buckingham, The Savoy, and Such

Tuesday I had the privilege of attending a tea with HRH Prince Andrew, the Duke of York, with the other scholarship winners from the Class of 2004, two officers from West Point's scholarship committee, and Dr. Ray Raymond from the NY office of the British Home Office. The Duke had visited West Point in 2002 (I missed the visit since I was at Navy for the semester), and apparently was so impressed that he has generously hosted the scholars for the past two years to the Palace. So, for the first time since September, I found myself in a uniform (dress blues - much more comfortable than dress gray ever was). Needless to say, when we showed up in dress blues outside the gates of Buckingham, we caused a bit of a stir ourselves, and I think more than a few tourists snapped pictures of us. I think they just wanted to have a picture in case we turned out to be somebody important - guess they'll be disappointed. HRH was extremely courteous, very warm, and didn't seem at all the "typical" royal I would have expected. Buckingham Palace was also different than I expected inside, it had a warm comfy lived in feeling, and while the paintings and knick-knacks displayed were certainly of high value, there was nothing ostentatious about the display. I suppose I thought there would be a more overt display of wealth and power, but I was pleasantly surprised. It was a great opportunity, and I couldn't believe when the hour ended and our audience was completed. I feel quite privileged to have been able to have had a discussion with HRH.
After we left Buckingham, we were able to change out of the uniform and then we met up with Dr. Raymond at the Savoy hotel in London for drinks at the American Bar. All I can say is it must be nice to have money! I would never have done drinks like that on my own, paying £10+ per drink (like $20 a drink!!!!!), but he generously treated us, and I think the almost 3 hours we spent at the bar talking was at least as enjoyable as the tea, if not more so, simply for Dr. Raymond's anecdotes from a career working with the Royals and for the government.
I had decided to stay the night in London rather than catching the late bus back to Cambridge, so on Wednesday I spent the day visiting some of the sites maintained by the English Heritage Foundation since I had bought a year's student membership in the fall when I had visited Dover, and this way I was able to visit enough places that I spent less buying the membership than I would have paying admission to get in everywhere. So at least I feel buying the pass was worthwhile, and hopefully I'll be able to travel a bit more later and it will definitely have been worthwhile. So I went to Apsley House (the Duke of Wellington's home), the Wellington Arch, saw the Wernher collection at the Ranger House, and saw the Jewel tower from the old Palace of Westminster. I will say that I did receive some strange looks being a young person visiting all these places, considering most of the other visitors were definitely pensioners, but hey, I was educating myself, and it did send shivers up my spine seeing the saber that Wellington carried at the battle of Waterloo when he defeated Napolean - my mil art P should be proud. I will say that after having visited Rome, Naples and Paris, that London is a much cleaner and more orderly city, and I wish I was able to visit more often.
My only frustration of the day was in missing the 6.30 bus back to Cambridge by 30 seconds after dealing with an annoying concierge who refused to get my bags for me when I went to pick them up at the hotel where I had left them during the day. He was obviously on a personal call, but left me cooling my heels for almost 10 minutes before he would finally hand me the bags that had been 5 feet away from him the whole time. The wasted time meant that I was walking through Victoria Coach Station, and just passing bay #6 in time to see the bus to Cambridge pull out of bay #1. I will not be staying at the Thistle Kensington Palace ever again, that's for sure. So I spent the next hour sitting in the coach station, and was petitioned at least every 5 minutes for money and steaming that I was not on my way home. Still, at least the bus driver for the 7.30 bus let me on and didn't make me buy a new ticket, which was a relief. And as all's well that ends well, my recent journey to London was enjoyable, educational, and a brief respite from the monotony of academic writing.

Springtime!

I just loved the daffodils blooming here within the grounds of Jesus College, it's such a relief to see green and colors after the gray damp rainy days that characterized the Cambridge winter. At the same time it's definitely a reminder that my time here is getting short and I'll soon be returning to the Army. Now if only I knew where I'll be going... still no word on my assignment.

Fridge Frustrations

I must say that I honestly don't understand some of the people I live with. You would think that someone who is studying for a postgraduate degree would be a tad bit responsible, but I seem to be the only one on our floor who can realize that food has gone off in the fridge. Today I had to throw away two chocolate soufles that had use by dates of 20 March, a thing of creme fraiche with a use by date of December!, a yogurt with a February use by date, and a bag of salad that was decidedly disgusting and should have been used by mid-March. Now typically I don't poke through the other girls' food, but when I noticed the awful stench emanating from the fridge today, I decided that I'd go ahead and check everything that was in the fridge. I mean, come on though, this is ridiculous, and its not like its the first time, but none of the others seem to feel that they need to pick up after themselves. I know I'm ranting, but I can't believe that people can't take care of these simple responsibilities.

Too Many Libraries!

I have no more taught classes for the remainder of the school year, but before you think I'm getting off easy, let me say that I do have 22,000 words worth of papers to write between now and finishing my MPhil. As such, I have spent a good majority of the day today in libraries... 3 of them! (and requested books from a 4th) I freely admit that I rarely visited the library at West Point, I think I had checked out a total of 19 books when I left for the semester to go to Navy, and I don't recall checking many more out beyond those. However, after the mass confusion that is the library system at Cambridge, I miss the days when the furthest I had to trek to find a book was to an upper mezzanine while gazing longingly at the forbidden elevator. Here, I have access to the Jesus College Quincentennary Library (decent but aimed at the undergrads), the Judge Institute Library, and the University Library. Of course, I can't be so lucky as to have the various sources I need all in one place, so I get to run all over Cambridge from one to the other. To further the confusion, each library has its own catalogue system. It makes me long for the simple days of learning the Dewey Decimal system in elementary school, and knowing that certain things were always supposed to be found in one spot (800s biographies anyone?).
All part of the Cambridge experience though I suppose, and oh yeah, the University Library still uses a card catalogue for anything published prior to 1977 or so. I can't remember the last time I actually used a physical card catalogue, middle school sometime? Flashback, that's for sure. And I definitely appreciate the ease of computerized systems, cross-referencing is so much easier!